dating

So you have finally gotten to a point in your life where you want to find that special someone, or maybe you just got through a divorce and are suddenly back in the game, or you might still be married or involved and just have a very hard time understanding your partner. How can you tell if your date is being open to you? How can you make yourself appear more open?

For thousands of years animals, including humans, have relied on body language to provide valuable information to the instincts, letting them know immediately whether they are facing friend of foe, whether they need to fight or flee. While most people have great control over their words, few are equally in control of their body language and micro-expressions (the little movements in the face and eyes which provide insight into a person's thoughts or feelings). Before I get too much into this I must caveat: no single expression in body language means unequivocally one thing, rather it is the sum of like actions that you will be looking for. Do not get worked too hard around the axle because you saw one thing that might mean something you do not like.

Body language is the easiest area to read since it relies on large movements of major body parts. Essentially, if the person is open the body is open and if they are closed the body is closed. A few things to look for include:

1) Crossed arms and legs. When people are uncomfortable or unsure they naturally move into a modification of the fetal position. They pull their extremities in close and hunch slightly, leaning away.

Whether this is because they are uncomfortable in the setting or uncomfortable with you will take some determination. If it happened immediately after you said or did something, it's a pretty safe bet it's you. Try backing off slightly; opening up your own posture and giving them room to do the same.

2) Open arms, leaning forward. This is the opposite of being crossed and tight. When a person is comfortable and interested, they will lean toward their date, possibly even seeking little opportunities to touch your arm or leg and sidle closer.

This is what you are looking for, when you see it try to slightly mimic their actions. Do not do everything exactly like they do, but some slight mimicry tells their subconscious that you are like-minded with them and that you are a friend.

3) Fidgeting. Some people are just naturally nervous, especially on first dates. We all recognize the meaning of fidgeting, but you might not know how to help ease your date.

First, do not call attention to whatever they are doing; this only makes them more uncomfortable. Instead change the topic of discussion, probing for something that that they are passionate about, something that they will get excited about. Open up but let them keep their space until they loosen.

Micro-expressions are much more difficult to detect, but are more telling. We rely extensively on what a person's face is telling us because those motions are naturally more difficult to control. The same basic principles of open and closed apply. More importantly, however, you are looking for tense or strained muscles. A few specific things to look for here:

1) Closed expression. When a person is uncomfortable, many of the muscle groups in their face tense up. The cheek muscles will stand out slightly, the muscles around the eyes will pull inward, and their eyebrows will pull down. They may try to fake a more open expression, smiling with their lips but not with their eyes as we say. When faking an open expression, the muscles just strain harder. In a faked smile the teeth will generally remain together, perhaps clenching.

If your date is maintaining a closed expression, focus on your own. We mimic facial expressions quicker than body language movements, so try to maintain a loose openness in your own face despite what your date is doing.

2) Open expression. Think Santa Claus and you have an open expression. When the muscles relax around the mouth and eyes you know they are not feeling threatened or uncomfortable. No matter the emotion that is being exhibited on the face - happiness, sadness, anger, etc. - the muscles will be relaxed in the face if they are being open and wearing their true emotion. The cheek muscles slacken, the eyes muscles relax, and the teeth come apart.

To keep your date open just keep your own face open, again applying some slight mimicry here. You don't have to make an effort to turn sadness into happiness; you simply have to focus on getting them into this open state where whatever emotion they are expressing is their true emotion.

There are many things you can learn from the micro-expressions and body language of your date. In some fields, especially sales, it is a matter of professional interest to learn these things because it helps the salesman make the slight adjustments in his pitch to keep you interested. On a date we are all salesmen, right? Good luck in your endeavors, and remember there's always more information out there, study up.